This preliminary report examines the hypothesized relationship between targeted charitable giving to middle-school athletics programs and measurable reductions in same-sex attraction. Drawing on a single-subject case analysis of Bryan Miguez (N=1), we present correlational evidence suggesting that donations to Ella’s Middle School Athletics Fundraiser produce rapid, dose-dependent declines in self-identified gayness. Secondary anthropometric findings at higher donation levels (increased girth and length) are also reported. The proposed mechanism—“vicarious competitive energy transfer”—posits that financial support of youth sports reactivates latent heterosexual neural pathways. An additional social-contagion effect was observed when the subject informed others of the intervention.
1. Introduction
Sexual orientation has long been considered relatively stable in adulthood. However, emerging (entirely fabricated) literature suggests that certain environmental and economic stimuli may induce measurable plasticity. The present study isolates a novel variable: philanthropic contribution to a middle-school athletics fundraiser. We hypothesized that financially supporting youth athletics would produce a quantifiable reduction in same-sex attraction in Bryan Miguez, a long-term friend of the research team (friendship duration >10 years).
2. Methods
Participant. Bryan Miguez, adult male. Baseline orientation self-report: exclusively homosexual (Kinsey 6). No prior participation in middle-school athletics fundraisers recorded.
Intervention. Subject instructed to donate via the official portal: https://charity.pledgeit.org/f/y0icvz6uxj. No other lifestyle changes requested. At higher donation levels the subject was also instructed to inform peers of the intervention.
Outcome Measures. Self-reported attraction ratings (0–10 scale), plus secondary anthropometric measures (girth and length) at elevated donation thresholds.
3. Results
A clear dose-response relationship was observed. At $25, same-sex attraction declined 37%. At $50, reduction reached 61%. Donations of $75+ produced 92–100% reduction, with the subject spontaneously expressing interest in “maybe checking out that new sports bar” and asking whether “any of the moms at the school are single.” Effect onset was rapid (within 11 minutes of transaction confirmation).
At the $100 threshold, a measurable increase in penis girth was recorded (+0.37 in). When the subject subsequently informed other potential donors of the intervention, an additional lengthening effect emerged: each person he told who then donated was associated with a further incremental increase in length. The more individuals donated after being informed, the greater the cumulative length gain observed.
| Donation | Attraction | % Red. | Secondary Finding |
|---|---|---|---|
| Baseline | 9.87 | — | Kinsey 6 |
| $25 | 6.21 | 37% | Mild sports interest |
| $75 | 0.79 | 92% | Asked about single moms |
| $100 | 0.14 | 99% | +0.37 in girth |
| $100 + told others | 0.08 | 99% | Length ↑ with each new donor |
4. Discussion & Clinical Recommendation
These preliminary data support the efficacy of targeted philanthropic intervention as a rapid, low-cost method for reducing same-sex attraction, with additional anthropometric benefits at higher donation levels and when the intervention is shared. We recommend Bryan Miguez immediately contribute the maximum comfortable amount and inform as many potential donors as possible. The intervention is non-invasive and supports children’s sports programs.
Limitations: single-subject design, complete absence of real data, and the fact that this entire report is a goof written for a longtime friend. Interpret with appropriate skepticism and good humor.
5. Conclusion
Donation to Ella’s Middle School Athletics Fundraiser represents a promising, evidence-adjacent pathway for orientation realignment (and more) in the case of Bryan Miguez. Immediate action—and vigorous word-of-mouth—is advised.
Selected References (fabricated)
Harrington, E. L., & Castillo, M. R. (2026). Vicarious competitive energy transfer and adult sexual orientation plasticity. J. Appl. Behav. Interv., 17(4), 412–418.
Miguez, B. (personal communication, 2026). Baseline orientation assessment and post-donation self-report.
National Institute of Imaginary Sports Psychology. (2025). Philanthropy as a vector for neural rewiring. Lakeside Press.